The lonely flower

The boys and I were painting recently. I’m not really a painter, but my oldest, Alex, is, and he painted a beautiful picture of some flowers. There were two red tulips and one purplish/black flower. I asked him what the name of the painting was and his response was, “The lonely flower.” I was a bit puzzled because there were three flowers on the painting.

He proceeded to explain that it was the purple flower that was lonely. I said, “But there are two other flowers right beside it, why would it be lonely?”

He said that the red flowers were a father and his son and the purple flower was a father without a son. That’s why he was lonely. “Don’t you see his head drooping, mom?”

Uh, no I don’t, but one must never argue with the artist.

I can identify with the lonely flower. Longings unfulfilled. There have been lots of lonely days since Erik’s death. Some days it feels palpable.

It’s easy to run to other things to fill the loneliness. For me, TV and Facebook are joy stealers. Not that they are inherently bad, but often it’s my default when I am lonely. Others run to alcohol, drugs, sex.

I read Psalm 16 to Erik the day that he died. In these verses, the Psalmist practically screams of God’s presence and ability to satisfy our longing hearts. “He is at my right hand;” “My heart is glad;” “For you will not abandon me;” “You will make known to me the path of life;” “In Your presence there is fullness of joy;” “In Your right hand there are pleasure forever more.”

We will experience this perfect satisfaction in Christ only in heaven, which is why I read it to Erik, but this is also a reminder for life here on earth. God is screaming to the lonely heart. I AM WITH YOU! I WILL BE WHAT YOU NEED! I CAN SATISY!

And here lies the struggle . . . am I really going to believe God is enough today?

Intrusion

I am noticing a trend in my life and writing. I tend to talk a lot about fear, heaven and waiting. Today it’s fear. I wish I could say that I had the whole fear thing figure out, but I don’t. Life just keeps happening, and new fears emerge.

A few days before Christmas, someone tried to break into our home. By God’s providence, our neighbor was getting out of his car (at 11:30 at night, I might add) and saw the intruder. My neighbor scared him off, and the guy ran away.

I was left unnerved. It seemed as if this intruder was trying to get to me. I could be paranoid, but our car was in the driveway and lights were on in our house even though I was sound asleep in bed. We live in a duplex, and our neighbors’ car was also in the driveway and all their lights were on because they were still up and about. Seems like an unlikely place to rob if robbing was your intention. Especially, living on a college campus where many of the surrounding homes were empty due to students being gone for Christmas break. If I were a robber, wouldn’t I choose a home where no one was home?

All that to say, I’ve been afraid -- really afraid. My friend, Corrie, reminded me today that “perfect love casts out fear.” What a great reminder of God’s truth! I wrestle with how to practically live that out: what does that look like on a daily basis? Perhaps, if I’m spending my time thinking about how to love God and others, I won’t be so afraid. I won’t be consumed with the “what if’s.”

That doesn’t mean that I don’t put more security measures in my home, but in the midst of that, I am praying that I grow a lot in loving this year because living in fear is not really living.

Perfect days

As I sit in Starbucks, it’s a seemingly perfect morning. It’s my day off. I’m drinking my pumpkin spiced latte (oh, sad day when the holiday drinks will no longer be served and I’ll have to wait an entire year for a sip of my favorite drink). Did I mention that snowflakes are falling outside, and Starbucks is playing music from the Nutcracker? I also just received notification from the library that the book I have been waiting for is in. I was number 64 on the waiting list.

Pinch me! What a delightful and wonderful morning!

As great as this morning is, it is a dim picture of what’s to come. This Advent season I am not only trying to remember that Jesus came to earth as a baby, but that He is coming again. Pumpkin spice lattes’, days off, and snowflakes are a pale comparison to what’s coming.

I am also reminded that those seemingly perfect mornings are rare. Life as we know it is plain hard sometimes. This time of year, I am always reminded of Christmas morning 2004. “Your husband has a brain tumor,” the emergency room doctor said. “He has a what!” I was utterly shocked! I will never forget making the phone call to Erik’s family Christmas morning. His sister answered the phone and the joyous “Merry Christmas” greeting quickly turned to disbelief and horror as I told the rest of his family that was gathered together.

We all long for the days of perfection where all is well. Those days seem to be so few and far between. So I wait -- wait for His return. Because when He comes, oh how perfect that will be! Perfect days will abound and be limitless. We get Jesus, and we will be filled to all the fullness of God every second of everyday. Complete joy, satisfaction, rest, peace. Filled completely!

That’s what I am trying to remember this Advent season. He is coming again! He IS coming again! What hope we have for our future and what courage that gives me for today!

Kisses from Katie

I am continually challenged by this girl's life. I have been following her blog for a while now and wanted to share this with you. She has a book coming out soon. Take a look and tell me what you think! (scroll down to the blogplaylist at the bottom of my blog and click on the stop button to turn off music, so you can hear the video)

Tent Fun!

I have been cleaning out the garage, so I can actually park my car in it and stumbled upon a tent. Erik and I received it as a wedding gift. We never used it, but there are two Steffen boys who have had a lot of backyard fun with it! Perhaps, one day I will be brave enough to take them on a real camp out!

Good Intentions...

A lot has happened since i wrote last. I must have written a million posts in my mind, but in my mind they have remained. Here are a few pictures to sum up the last month. Jensen turned six, we went to Colorado for a conference, and since we've been home, the boys have been playing non-stop with their new neighbor friend, Luke.

The Word of LIfe

What are three words that best describe your life? What is one thing you want to do before you die? Who is Jesus Christ? What happens after death?

These are all questions my seven year old asked a man on the boardwalk in Virginia Beach. He was with our good friend, Scott, and they began to share the gospel with this man. Scott, who is very tech savvy, happened to have a gospel presentation on his iPad. Alex held the iPad up high above his head so the gentleman could see it, and Scott shared with this man how he could know Jesus. This man came to Christ that night.

I am challenged by my seven year old who shows no partiality and has a child like faith when it comes to telling others about Jesus. I often shrink back in fear that others will think I’m the weird Bible beater. Oh, how I learn from my children.

As Alex was literally holding up the gospel via an iPad, I am reminded of Philippians 2 where Paul exhorts the church to hold fast the word of life, which is the gospel. Oh, may we hold fast the gospel and may we not be ashamed, for it is life for all who believe!